24: Day 8: Hour 8

Here we are, another 24 recap! Frankly, I think the events in the Parallel Timeline are boring and they better be leading somewhere. It's been a while since I've blogged about this but if I remember right, last episode Jack's plane landed safely in L.A., where he went on to pick Vienna over the other girl after a Sidney Crosby goal in overtime. Or something like that.

• Episode starts off with Dana. That's a good sign.



• Dana calls Fake Leo, who's sitting in a strip club with his weird friend. He says he's in Jersey City but I think he's actually on Deep Space Nine.

• Dana, with shaky voice: "We had a deal!" but Fake Leo wants to keep the scam going.


• Weird Friend calls Dana a bitch. Turns out he talks like Foghorn Leghorn.


• Arlo confronts Dana and she acts righteously indignant. Like, "how dare you accuse me of misdeeds! All I've done is commit several... um, misdeeds."

• Cole fills Hastings in on the Jacknapping. Hastings hunches around and sneers, which is pretty much all he's good for.

• Hastings calls out Dana and Chloe steps in and covers for her because she wants help finding Jack.


• Alpha Russian is making supper but Chef Gordon Ramsay shows up and starts yelling at him.

• He goes back to visit Jack, still posing as Ernst Meier.


• Since Jack is tied up, might as well punch him. That's kind of like throwing a gun at Superman when you run out of bullets.

• Alpha thinks Ernst is a cop. "I just stabbed a guy in the eye. You really think I'm a cop?" Alpha says that doesn't prove anything, and that in Soviet Russia, eyeball stabs you.


• Uh-oh, mobile torture unit. Jack is begging, begging, to be let off the hook. I don't know if Jack is really afraid or just playing the part of Ernst?


• Alpha says "I will break you." I know the Soviet Union collapsed and all, but make no mistake: they still want nothing more than to break you.

• I swear this EXACT scene has happened before.

• Haven't seen this fella in a while. He's throwing a little hissy fit about something.


• Alpha tells Longhair about Ernst. "In light of his appearance I'm halting delivery of the rods."


• Longhair is angry, because it buys Hassan more time to crush his enemies. He's also upset about the botched assassination. Seems like when you're in a powerful gangster's lair, surrounded by said powerful gangster's goons, you should show a certain lovely of politeness.


• Russian Son agrees.

• Time for the psych evaluation on Renee that should have happened hours ago.

• Director to Snarls: "You're not acting hard enough! Remember, you're supposed to be in a state of shock! Show me shocked!"



• Dana is coming clean to Cole.


• Cole: "It's okay, I haven't told you everything about my past either. Just do me a favor and promise you won't ever rent a movie called Scooby Doo."

• They're interrupted before she can say anything.

• Oh geez, the old thumb in the knife wound trick. That smarts.


• Jack plays possum. He's got a trick up his sleeve. Or pant, in this case.


JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #7 - His toes.


• So I guess Jack has a new superpower: Ape Agility.

• Hassan's daughter admits her affair with the guy who's name I don't know.


• Hassan thinks it was all a ruse to get close to him. "I cahn't thinkofabetterwayyyyy ... to get close tomy liiiiiife... then throughhhhh... my DAUGHter!" I love his line delivery. He's getting more and more paranoid by the second.

• Jack does some killin', but then encounters his one true weakness: a dead cellphone.


• Jack creeps around the building, finally finds a cell phone. Needs Chloe to trace the call.

• More creeping. Just shooting guys for no reason.


• Alpha Russian has a shot gun but he's just blasting wine glasses. He knows Jack is hiding under the tables, why not shoot under the table?s

• Jack pops up and yells "Rawr!"



JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #8 - a banquet table


• Is he dead? The table killed him?

• "Where's Dana?" "Something something reboot something ip address."

• Chloe traces the call and finds a picture of Alpha Russian: Sergei Petrovich. Just goes to show, even if you're a powerful lord of the underworld people will still tag unflattering photos of you on Facebook.


• Jack glances through Petrovich's file, and finds something he finds interesting.

• Jack is playing Good Cop/Bad Cop by himself. "All I want are those rods. If you cooperate, I can make the rest of the charges go away."

• Petrovich expresses regret over murdering his son. Yeah, that is a pretty big bummer dude.

• "I need to speak to Hastings." "He's on with the President." "Oh great, put me on with her too."

• Petrovich will cooperate for full immunity for him and his son. Hastings is willing to defer to Jack's judgement. What the?

• Taylor gets on the horn with Petrovich. He must feel so popular.

• Cole confronts Arlo, re: Dana. Arlo is in classic sneak mode. "It's none of my business, but I think she went to meet some guy." He shows Cole the photo evidence. That's great that two of the five people that work for CTU are now distracted.





• Dana is in the Strip Club being weird. CTU: five minutes from everything in New York.

• Hassan's daughter wants to speak to her boyfriend. I got money says she's in on the plot.

• CTU staff watches the Matrix on blu-ray while Cole and a strike team full of nervous rookies go to nab the nuclear wessel.

• Uh-oh dead guys! The rods have been stolen! BUT BY WHO? OR WHOM?


• Oh shit, do you think it was vampires?


• Fake Leo and Weird Friend exit the strip club with a couple of dancers. Trust me, that's hard to do. They must have followed the Mystery Method.

• Remember how Jack got stabbed and electrocuted a little bit ago?


• Petrovich is shocked that the materials aren't there. "We found a gold cross."

• Petrovich knows that cross. And if I'd been paying attention earlier I'd know it too. Josef!


• Josef and Longhair are ready to make a deal. Whaaaaa!

24: Day 8: Hour 7

I'm kind of irritated because watching 24 tonight is going to cut into my Curling time. Right now I'm watching the USA (my team) take on Canada (Kiefer Sutherland's team, presumably). I DVR'd it earlier today so don't spoil it for me! I'm only on the Third End but so far it's shaping up to be a classic bonspiel. Wow, great shot knocking Canada's rock right of the button! Can Team Canada get back on track with only three stones left? Oh no! Jason Smith hit one of our own guards! He's going to have to throw better than 50% if we want to have a chance here. What? Oh yeah. Poofy hair. Smelly Renee. Nuclear wessels and all that.

• We open with Suit Guy, who tells the President "That went well. Unanimous support for the treaty." Apparently President Taylor likes to surround herself with the kind of Yes Men that simply recap events that happened only moments before.

• The British chap from last episode is getting all up in President Taylor's grill with his dry wit. I guess he's going to be a character then.



• President Taylor very wisely tells him all about the nuclear materials that CTU can't find. That won't come back to haunt her.

• German Jack ride's in the backseat with Bearded Russian. Any semblance of an accent has been dropped completely.

• Arlo grabs a snapshot worthy of a National Geographic prize.



• Dana runs off to answer her cell phone! Somebody fire her already!

• Jack is grumpy as all get out. He does not like it when he wires dudes $5 million and then they try to kill him.

• Look how mad he is! He rips his disguise right off!


• For the fourteenth time, Jack tries to convince Renee to abort the mission, and for the fourteenth time she talks him out of it. Then he puts his Where's Waldo glasses back on.



• Dana is busy helping Fake Leo and his Weird Friend break into a police storage facility. I am getting so mad at her.


• This place has less security than the average Best Buy. You'd think they'd at least be a cop there. The NYPD has about 38,000 officers. Not a single one of them has pissed off their superior enough to get busted to the evidence warehouse detail? "You've gone too far this time McSorley! You disobeyed a direct order and made me look like a jackass! Well you'll have plenty of time to think about it when you're guarding the Evidence Warehouse!"

• Actual Dialogue:
"The money is in locker 4301"
"4301... 4301... man, that's too many numbers."

• Uh-oh, Weird Friend is getting greedy.


• Since he's Russian, naturally he drinks Vodka.


• And since Jack is pretending to be German, naturally...



• Alpha Russian mourns his Dead Radioactive Son.

• Sweaty Russian calls Alpha Russian about the nuclear rods. Alpha snaps that he has no such rods.



• Alpha halts the rod-hauling truck, fearing that the jig is up.

• Nuclear Rods, or the Lost Ark?

• Hassan is frazzled.



• Taylor is getting snippy, asking him about the crackdown within his imaginary nation.


• Hassan's version of Jack Bauer takes a stand. "You promised you were different." Hassan thanks him for telling it like it is, and appreciates his forthrightness. But as soon as the guy leaves, Hassan changes his tune. He's devolving into paranoia!

• Weird Friend decides the money should all be his.


• SURPRISE TWIST #5 - It's a squirt gun. Seriously. Now because they were horsing around with squirt guns, they're going to get caught.

• Dana Walsh you are the WORST!


• Ah, there's that insubordinate cop.

• Dana advises them to slip past the cop, but instead they beat him up. But not before he called it in.

• Beware Dana's angry face!



• Hassan's security guy, who's name is Tarin or Balin or maybe Pauly goes to Hassan's daughter, but guys come to detain him. We've got ourselves a real Sharks vs. Jets situation here. Personally I would have a hard time being romantic with Hassan's smiling face staring at me.

• So I guess Sweaty Russian is just making cold calls? "So, uh, got any nuclear rods?"


• "I can't find anything."

• "You got leads. German Jack paid good money for those leads."


• "The leads are weak!"

• "You're weak! You can't buy rods? You are a rod, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, because you are about to get stabbed in the eyeball."

• Sweaty Russian starts smacking Renee around, so she STABS HIM IN THE EYEBALL.


• But maybe that wasn't enough, so she stabs him in every possible stabbable surface. Jack tries to stop her, AND SHE STABS HIM.


• Beardy Russian busts in, so Jack PULLS THE KNIFE OUT OF HIS BELLY AND FLINGS IT RIGHT INTO THE GUY'S THROAT.


• Jack Bauer Weapon Count #6 - a well-used knife.

• Then he shoots some guys. And hugs Renee telling her "It's alright, it's alright."


• Jack slaps on a bandaid. In case you forgot, he just got stabbed right in the belly.

• Hastings wastes everyone's time.

• Jack and Renee have a moment. She just wants her life back. "I don't have anyone!" Jack: "You've got me." Then they do it. Then she stabs him again.

• Aha, some guys show up! Jack decides to let himself get captured, because that will lead him to the rods. I wish I could properly demonstrate how hilarious it was when these nervous guys busted in. But trust me, it was really funny.


• My brother points out that this season feels like it was made by fans of 24 and not actual trained writers and directors. It certainly feels that way, but people have been paid good money to write this stuff.

• Pretty awesome when Jack threw that knife though.

• Cole and the Gang bust in, Renee stabs them all.

• CTU is supposed to be following Jack, but they didn't see any vehicles enter or leave the building! Where is he? We don't know! Whaaaaa!